Music, poetry, love, and life

My Novel Is Done!

2008-07-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how good today feels. Just a few minutes ago I actually FINISHED my book. Meaning the last word of the last chapter was typed and saved. It's actually a strange feeling, since I now officially an author. I wrote a book - a WHOLE BOOK!

Now I really shouldn't say it's "done" or "finished", because I have quite a bit of editing to do. There's a few things I need to add and change, but it's all pretty minor stuff. The real meat of the story is all on paper from beginning to end, and that's the really exciting part. The rest is just icing on the already baked massive wedding cake. ;)

Anyway, I'M EXCITED!

Out of Pain Comes Passion

2008-07-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Deep down I always knew there was a writer inside of me. Someone who appreciates words more than most people, and loves to ramble on. When I was a kid I loved to read all kinds of books, regardless of the age level (I read To Kill a Mockingbird in 8th grade....how many kids do that?). I actually wrote a lot of short stories when I was a kid too, even when they weren't required.

In high school I started writing poetry, which was pretty much pure crap until I learned a few things about the world. Later work was a whole lot better, and I appreciated other's poems more too. My best poetry surfaced while in the middle of an abusive relationship. My mom referred those poems as the "scary" ones. HA! Well, yeah...but out of pain comes passion and intensity. When all you want to do is scream but all you can do is write, a lot of honesty tends to come out on that paper. I found that to be the best way to handle the situation and hang on to my sanity.

Several years after that relationship ended, I woke up one day to find myself yet again alone and without direction. I've at least let go of that idea that families are suppose to be perfect (you know, with mom, dad, and 2.5 kids with the same fathers) and I've stopped pouting about that. I can deal with the fact I'm the head of this household and have two kids with two different people (while one kid's dad is very easy to deal with, I wish to hell the other would fall off the face of the Earth). What bothers me still though is I'm not doing what I really want to do. Somewhere I got this idea implanted into my head that a "job" is what we do to support our families regardless of the cost, and we are all suppose to have one. Oh, and we aren't suppose to like it.

I say screw that.

I've been playing by my own rules for quite a few years, but I'm still not where I want to be. We barely get our bills paid every month, and some months I swear I pull it out of thin air. And you know what? I really don't enjoy what I do. It's a job. What the hell. No wonder I'm so damn unhappy - I hate what I do and it still doesn't pay the bills.

It's time for a change. I decided to go back to my original passion in life - words. And not as a corporate puppet or boring babble. No, I actually want to enjoy what I write. People do it every day, so why not me? You know I found a short story from when I was probably 10 or 11, expecting to get a good laugh out of it, and much to my surprise it was written fairly well. There it was in me all along, and I'm just now finding it.

Surprisingly I'm not really scared. If I get a few rejections, oh freaking well. I'm the Idea Queen. If they all don't like the book I'm almost finished with (which is a novel by the way - talk about setting the bar high), then I'll just write another one. Maybe a children's book for the second one, since that was my original dream. I've read enough in my lifetime to know what makes a damn good story that kids like. Plus there's plenty of crap in my life that makes for good fiction - some of it I don't think they'd believe was true stories!

So here we go, starting over again. Funny how there has to be painful events and thoughts to stir up new ideas. But like I mentioned already and hence the title - out of pain comes passion. At least it does for me.

Crashed (About Love Part Two)

2007-01-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

The last post I had to make mention of my current situation. I'm over him, yes I am. And it's not because I've taken interest in someone new. I really am over him. I spent the last 4 months moving on. A few weeks ago I almost thought it wasn't dead (hence latching on to "It's not over" by Daughtry), but now I know for sure it is. There is no going back, no more question. I really do feel alright about it. It's not a "la la" feeling either. Yes I think about things and get a little sad, but really do know this is for the better.

So staying with the theme of using songs to express myself better, here's the other half of this new feeling and new beginning:

-----------------------------

"Crashed"

Well I was moving at the speed of sound.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur.
What I was looking for, I'm not sure.
Too late and didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

Somehow, I couldn't stop myself.
I just wanted to know how it felt.
Too strong, I couldn't hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened.
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me.
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need.
Oh, just what I need.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
---------------------------------

Honestly, I'm scared to death. Just the thought of a new relationship absolutely terrifies me. On the plus side, I think this new person is feeling the same way. Since I really don't know anything about him other than he's a friend of a friend. The best friend of my best friend's husband. In a perfect world that would be nice, right? Maybe that's what scares me.....knowing "how perfect" this would all be. Or maybe my past record with relationships (aka train wrecks). Or maybe knowing I could fall for him and then one day he'd just be gone like the rest. Who knows.

Right now I'm just very interested in him, and want to get to know him better. Oh and if you wonder what happen to the "distraction" as mentioned in previous posts.....well he's still kinda here somewhere. I haven't seen him in awhile, which is good. I've completely lost interest in him. My mom put it perfectly - he's everything I hate. He really was too. Being a fun person to hang out with when I was lonely was about all I liked about him. Totally not relationship material, and I knew from the start it wasn't going anywhere. This new one though .... oh my, who knows where that will go. Scary yes, but exciting. As per the lyrics above: "Where we're heading, there's just no knowing." So true! This song is just too perfect.

Over You (About Love - Part One)

2007-01-28T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm the type of person that latches on to a song and says "yeah, this is me right now". Up until yesterday, that song was Daughtry's "It's not over". I had it on my Myspace page, and it just fit everything pretty perfectly. There's several other good songs floating around right now that fit pretty good too, but I really like Daughtry.

Today I realized I needed to change the song. It didn't fit anymore, and I feel like today is just a brand new start. I flipped through some songs at MySpace, but couldn't find anything that really fit. Then I noticed my best friend had changed her song to another Daughtry song I didn't know. DUH. I hadn't checked their page for other songs. All be damned, I found a new song (different from my friend's even).

So here it is, this is what fits me perfectly right now.

-------------------
"Over You"

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
-----------------------

Yup this is what I feel like. I finally got my closure, the final word. It's done. 2 years of a relationship is over. But it's ok. I've spent the last 4 months trying to move on, even with things so open and me not having a flipping clue what was going on. Now I know, and now it's really over. And you know what? I really am ok! I'm over it! Crazy huh?

The Little Things

2006-11-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

Sitting here reading the last email from my perfect distraction, I realized the best part of a new relationship is those little things that make you smile. You know what I'm talking about - the things like "It was great to talk to you" or "Looking forward to seeing you" or a special look or even a brush of a hand. You know, those little things. One little 2 second event that makes you smile and your heart leap just a bit.

This all feels so good, especially knowing there's no pressure wondering where it's going to go. It's just a harmless, slightly flurty, friendly relationship. I think that's what makes it so great. Jumping into the unknown, but knowing there's really nothing there to bit me in the rear later on.

Now I just have to make sure it stays this way.

Back Where I Started

2006-11-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've posted in this blog, mostly because I really didn't have much to say that didn't fit on the other blog. I'm not one to dive too much into my personal life in public form. Even still, I felt the need to type out some personal stuff. It's not like anyone reads this blog anyway, since it's quite tucked away.

I sat here and read old posts for a bit, because I like to see where I've been before I know where I'm going. The wonderful romance I had just 2 short years ago is gone, which comes at little surprise to me. Nothing lasts forever, right? There's nothing that says it's truly over for good.....except me. I'd rather just pick up the pieces and move on instead of sitting here disappointed every day he doesn't call or come home. It's been over 3 weeks since I last talked to him, despite the fact he says he still cares and will come home eventually. Reality says it's over, time to move on.

Even if he really does come back, who's to say I want him to? How can you have a relationship where one wanders off for several months at a time without any communication? This isn't the first time he's done this, and should I let him back it won't be the last.

I've decided to just put it completely out of my mind because it does me absolutely no good to sulk about it or run events through my mind over and over. Moving on sometimes involves the start of something new, although that's rarely a good idea. Rebound relationships are nothing more than a distraction.

Which I think I've found.

An old flame I talked about years ago here I've recently reconnected with. My intentions are honest, and I don't want a relationship. Company and distraction on the other hand would be perfect. From events in the past I fear he could be looking for more and possibly expecting this to go somewhere, but I just can't let it. It may seem like I'm using him to get over the last relationship, but I hate to think of it that way. Even though he's somewhat done the same to me in the past, two wrongs don't make a right. As long as I'm honest with him and myself, no one can get hurt, right?

Whatever this new "thing" is, it's proving to be just what I needed. Ever since I got the first email back from him, I've been anxiously watching my email waiting for the next. I always did like the "new" feeling and the excitement that goes alone with it. The way your heart races every time you see his name in your inbox or on your phone. The nervousness that comes when you are waiting for him to arrive for a date, or waiting to see what happens next. It's mysterious, exciting, full of hope, and more.

We'll see what comes next. Now excuse me as I go check my email again.....

New Switchfoot CD - Nothing Is Sound

2005-07-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

Amazon has this CD set to release on August 16th, although the official Switchfoot website says September. My advice for Switchfoot fans - preorder it from Amazon. You never know, you might get it early!

Track Listing From the Nothing Is Sound CD:

Lonely Nation
Stars
Happy Is A Yuppie Word
The Shadow Proves The Sunshine
Easier Than Love
The Blues
The Setting Sun
Politicians
Golden
The Fatal Wound
We Are One Tonight
Daisy

Hoping for another good one like Beautiful Letdown. Can't wait to see them in concert on August 11th!

Adjusting

2004-10-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

He's been here for nearly a week now, and I can honestly say I'm finally happy. Of course business is suffering just a little bit, but that's alright. I'm still adjusting to the new living arrangements and so excited to show him around. How exciting all this is still. My only fear is what will happen with the "new" wears off. Either way I feel so comfortable around him, and I think he feels the same way.

On a side note, we went and picked up our tickets for the Alter Bridge and Crossfade concert on November 10th. I couldn't believe that not only did I find the place in Des Moines but I DROVE in Des Moines too. I haven't done that in years because I've been afraid of a panic attack. Well much to my surprise I did just fine with not so much as one feeling of going into one. I was so excited that day - I found a place, I drove, and got tickets. Oh ya. :D

Nervous, Excited, Scared, and Happy

2004-10-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

I can hardly contain my excitement - my new special someone that I've been talking to for month is moving here! He'll be getting here tomorrow afternoon and I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. I'm so excited because we will be meeting for the first time in person, and he'll be STAYING here! But at the same time I'm scared to death that it won't be what I've imagined. Of course neverous too about how we are going to be the first time we see eachother. Will we hug? Will we kiss? Will we be shy? Will we hit it off or will there be no spark? So many things could happen, and it all makes me absoultely crazy! Of course I suppose we could have waited awhile, but neither one of us could waite at all. We talked online, and on the phone, and every day we would say how we wished we could be closer. Now it's about to happen, but are we both ready? Well, pretty sure he was but am I? Ready or not what's done is done, and he leaves home tonight. The moment I've been waiting for is approaching. Sink or swim, ready or not.

Could it be this is the relationship I've been waiting for?
Only one way to find out....

Feels good not to love

2004-09-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

This is something I've been feeling for quite sometime. Not total lack of love for anyone or anything - no no, I'm saying it feels good not to love just one person in particular. For years I loved him, wondered about him and us, cried because he was gone. After so many years, it's dead. Finally! I was just glad it was dead before my new love walked into my life. Otherwise I might wonder if it really was dead or just shifted. Nope, gone. I know this for sure.

Funny how fate works out. The chain of events in my life have so far made sence. Let's just hope this time around I really did find "the one". Sure does seem like it, athough I'm still so very cautious. I've unintentially pushed him away more that once, but he won't budge. Good, I know he's serious about us. He's not giving up so easily. And here we are, just days away from being completely together. He's making some big sacrefices, although blowing them off as nothing. I know better, him living here is going to be a huge change. I mean world turned upside down change. For me...wow. Either he doesn't know what he's getting himself into or he really is devoted. Now let's see if he stays....

Alter Bridge and Crossfade

2004-09-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days that just CAN NOT get any better! I woke up today with a note from my newest special someone that said forget waiting 4 weeks, he's leaving asap to come see me. So all day we've been talking and making plans for next weekend, and that REALLY had me excited. Although a little worried too because of previous relationships and of course the limited time I now have to clean my house. :O

Alright but while talking about these plans and working on websites, I flip the local rock radio station on with hopes I could win some concert tickets. Wouldn't you know less that 20mins after I turn it on, they state they are giving away those exact tickets I've been wanting so very badly. I listen closely, and to win all I had to do was answer a trivia question from their website. WOA! EASY! Thank goodness for cable internet - since I was already sitting here with nervous fingers I quickly typed in their website address and went to where I knew the answer was. THERE IT WAS! Since I've tried to win things from this radio station before the number was in my cell phone. First try, busy. Dang. Second try - I'm in! Believe it or not I GOT THEM!!!!!!!!!! I was as calm as possible as he stated I won tickets to the Crossfade and Alterbridge concert knowing I couldn't sound like a fool on the radio, but as soon as I hung up that phone I SCREAMED. I WON I WON! I GOT THE TICKETS!

Talk about a great day, with even BETTER things to come!

Do we REALLY learn from mistakes?

2004-09-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Do we really learn from our mistakes or are we haunted by them? Do past experiences and problems prevent us from enjoying certain things later on?

So what brought this up? Well pretty simple really. Here I've been going on about this special someone and enjoying myself, yet I'm haunted by past relationships gone horribly wrong. So very afraid I will be hurt so badly that I won't be anything anymore. I was dead once, I really was. So dead, so empty, so nothing. Now that I'm myself again, something I haven't been able to say in a very long time, I'm terrified that if I allow myself to fall too deep in love that the same thing will happen. If it does, I'm not so sure I could handle it this time. It could be the final breaking point for me. The last time around, I was so numb that there were days I couldn't even move at all. Literally could not move. I fear that if I were to go through that again well it really would kill me.

Standing on the edge of reality and dream, afraid to move forward and afraid to go back.

Romance is wonderful, isn't it?

2004-09-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

Yes I'm about to ramble out my love again, because he's about all that's on my mind lately. Has been the perfect destraction from business, even though my mind really should be more on business right now.

But at this minute, I don't care. I just want to shout "I've found the one!". We had a discussion the other day about soul mates, something in which he believes in and well I was begining to believe in again. His belief is we are, and you know I think I agree. Of course the thought of "hey, new loves are always full of passion and hope, but the real test comes later on". Sure that's true, but wow why miss the fun? The excitement of seeing them every day and wondering what's next? Even still I have such a good feeling about him. He makes me so happy whenever I talk to him and I just can't find a thing that doesn't make us a perfect match. Just because I've had two very disasterous relationships with people that turned out not to care so much doesn't mean that this one will work out the same way. Surely there is a match for everyone. How could there not be? When so much emphasis is put on finding that perfect mate, how could we possibly be sent to walk the earth without there being that mate?

Well, I guess even still we will see, but for now I've let myself fall into the moment and believe that fate has brought me my soul mate. :)

Off in la-la land again

2004-08-31T09:41:00.000-07:00

Funny thing happend last week. I fell in love. Completely unexpected and some rather strang circumstances, but never the less I think I've found the one. I can't find a single flaw with him, and I've fallen head over heals for him. Odd thing is he feels the same way. Or at least this is what he says. Even still I know there's so much to know about him, and so much I want to know. What he looks like for one. 0.0 Yes I said it - I don't know what he looks like. We met a few months ago playing that silly game I play. We were good friends, and loved "hang out" together within the game. Several weeks went by, I sat and chatted with him while he went though a break up (in real life, not game), and then something just changed. I can't explain how or why, but all the sudden we were saying "I love you" and meaning it. The more we get to know eachother the more we love. Still with fear holding fast, I worry about little things. Ok I worry about a lot. I want to be happy, and he makes me happy, but I fear if I get too close I'm going to get burned.

Still I know it's fun here in lala land. It's a long way to fall though. I had to laugh today while I was picking up the house. You see I have this ring, with a little charm on it. It was a heart. Well a few weeks ago I caught the ring on something and had lost the little heart. Today I found it by some chance and said "I found my heart! I thought it was gone for good...". I laughed, because it was so funny and that it related to what's going on. How easily ammused I am. :P

We will see how things go with this new special someone, and how far I can allow myself to go without becoming completely freaked out and doing something stupid like pushing a perfect relationship away.

More on Future Leaders of the World

2004-08-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

I just got word the date I posted a few weeks ago was wrong. Their CD actually doesn't come out until August 24th. I think. Pretty sure that's what I heard today, but again I could be wrong. Still watching for it on Amazon so I can preorder a copy of it. Still excited to hear some new singles too, which I imagin we will be hearing on the radio soon.

Found two more VERY intresting resources on this band - their message boards and (hardly containing excitement) their BLOG! Yes THE Phil Taylor (lead singer) is posting on this one. Well actually it looks like most of the band is posting on the boards too (still reading posts - it's not that old, so there aren't all that many).

Very exciting updates!

I should stop playing old music.....

2004-07-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Someone should really take away half my music collection. Every time I sit down and listen to songs I haven't heard in a long time I start digging up memories that really should stay burried. Never fails, with the memories comes the questions.......

Tonight an 80s song, one of my favorites actually, sent me off in a serious of questions and pondering some issues. "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" came out years before I was even old enough to date, but even so it was a song that held a lot of meaning to me because it reminded me of my first true love. The one in high school I fell very hard for, and thought about him every day even years after we had "split up for good". I moved on with someone else and had a son, he moved on with someone else and had a son, but every time I heard that song I thought of him. By some stroke of luck when things between my son's father and I had gotten very very bad, we ran into eachother. Both of us thought we would never see eachother again, but fate had a different plan.

It didn't take us long to fall back into old times, and there we were just like we were in high school. Two people that had previously swore off marrage and real romance getting married just 2 months after "getting back together", then having a daughter 8 months later.

But times changed. Divorce came just after my daughter turned a year old. I have to wonder if we got married because we had sworn 6 years before when we were just kids that we would. Or was it an attempt to have that fairy tale ending? Did we push fate just a bit? He seems like a completely different person now, nothing like what I knew. Maybe I just saw him for what he really was........something I just ignored or didn't want to see before. Even still it seems he acts differently towards me now. Why I can't say.

I can at least say I don't wonder "what might have been" - already found that out the second time around.

Release Date for new CD

2004-07-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

I love my local radio station. Little information released that is NOT on their website, but I actually have - the debute CD of Future Leaders of the World ("Lvl 4" is the name of the CD) is set to release August 17th. They sure are cutting their promotion short - we've known about the upcomming debute CD of Alter Bridge (One Day Remains) for several weeks now and that CD releases just a week before on August 10th. Ah well, important thing is we now know the date! YES!

Yet another sign of fate

2004-07-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sitting here fixing a few typos I caught from last night's entry, and sure enough that song comes on the radio - "Here Without You" . Which the typo I noticed were in the lyrics of that song (that will teach me to take a short cut and copy the lyrics from somewhere else - I always wonder how the heck these people get the words WRONG more often than right).

Still waiting anxiously to see what happens tomorrow, and if my special someone happens to drop by. Time will tell, but I'm really hoping he does. Even if he doesn't well that's ok I'll understand. Physical separation right now might be a good thing.

~Kara

I Believe In Fate....

2004-07-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's been quite awhile since I could say that. So much has happend in the past year, shaking my believes to the very core. Tearing apart everything that held me together. But now......oh now.....

Earlier this month I had a dream. It was about the certain someone I had been somewhat envolved with for a very short time, but known for years. What we had I felt was cut short, and why I write about him often here because he is still very much on my mind. So about this dream....it was set in high school and my mom's old house where I grew up (comfort zones). My special someone is making sly passes at me every time he walks by. Like grabing my hand briefly and running his hand across my sholders as if to take me in his arms but not stopping to do so.

I believe the main point of this dream was to confirm my doubts of if he still cares for me or not. The sly passes told me he does. So what does this have to do with fate? Well while talking about this dream with my mom in the car earlier this week (or was it last week? Not important.....), a song comes on the radio. The name of the song is "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. I've listened to this song quite a bit lately, because the words hold a lot of meaning to me right now and just fit the situation. The words are as follows:

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people don't even waite to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
It get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

So yes I found it odd that this particular song, one I've been listening to for weeks while I've been thinking about him just "happend" to come on while talking about a DREAM no less I had about him. Coincedence maybe, I wasn't completely convinced and didn't fully believe in Fate just yet.

Then there was yesterday. I got an email from him in the morning just before I headed to Walmart. Nothing unusual, he emails me often. I emailed him back and ran off to lunch then to Walmart. Being one that is not fond of cell phones in public places, I left my phone in the car like I always do. After lunch I look and there's 2 missed calls with no number on the caller ID. Could it have been him? I'm thinking it was, but wasn't sure. I don't bother to find out because if it was I know he'll call back later. We get to Walmart and after a little while who should I see? Yup - it's him. I can't believe I've ran into him like this. He states he just tried to call me (and when I left I realise he tried to call a 3rd time just minutes after I had gotten out of the call and went into Walmart). Now WHAT are the chances of THAT? Him trying to call 3 times missing me every time, then running into him in person. FATE.

Even still for the last few weeks I've been out of my mind trying to figure out WHAT is going through his mind, WHY he is still talking to me even though it was his decision for us not to be together right now (for reasons I understand). I over analysed it, because tonight I flat out asked what was going on. His response - he wants to be with me and has feelings, but doesn't know what to do with the situation he's in. He still wants to talk to me I think for that reason. Maybe for a "back up" or so that we don't get lost again - ok no problem I understand that. I may not waite, or I might decide to. Only time will tell. All I know for now I'm happy. Oh, and another twist of fate tonight right after I hung up the phone after talking to him, I turn on the radio and playing is song that we had been talking about. I had told him earlier this week it was a good song he needed to hear, and he mentioned to me yesterday he still hadn't heard it. Funny there it was on tonight right after I was done talking to him. FATE.

So there it is. I believe again. Now soul mates and true love, well that's going to take a bit of time still....

~Kara

Another Day

2004-07-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

Another day, much like the rest. Thoughts of CDs that I *must* get soon, memories from the past (yikes I knew better than to listen to music from high school - good new CD Stone Temple Piolets put out though with their greatest hits), and that certain someone still on my mind. Didn't help matters that I just "happend" to run into him today at the store. Thankfully this time he was alone, so we chatted for awhile. Oddly enough he'd just tried to call me (so that's who those 3 missed calls where on my phone) when we saw eachother. Of all the people to see - there he was. I had just been talking about him too. Funny how things work out like that. Kinda like the other day when I had been talking about a dream I had of him, then by some chance "Here Without You" came on the radio (there is a line in the chorus that says "Your still with me in my dreams, and tonight it's only you and me"). I wonder if all these little signs are suppose to make me believe in fate again. I use to, but wow after all the crap that happend with my ex honestly I really don't know. I thought we were fate, but obviously that wasn't true. Maybe it was, but just in a learning sort of way - to learn from my mistakes and whatnot. My head is starting to hurt again.

Either way this must be love because I feel like hell right now without him. Now if I only knew how to get him back.........

~Kara

Love truely is a game

2004-07-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've played over the events with a special someone over and over in my head trying to make sense of it all. The only thing I succeed in doing is giving myself a headache and making it even more confusing. Once in awhile I stop to ponder what happend to the girl years ago that would change men more often then filling up my gas tank in high school. Perhaps significant others where more plentiful back then, or maybe things were just a lot less serious in general. I don't think I really thought about the future too often, knowing I had years to choose my path and run with it. It's possible if I had the resources I did back then I would be the same as I once was, but who really knows.

The only thing that circles my mind now is finding that great love of a lifetime (Isn't that a song? Yeah......I like that song), and loosing myself completely in the magic. Then the familiar phrase "all good thing must come to an end" pops in my mind, and I wonder if I've already had my share of "magic" for this lifetime. How many times do we get to feel like that anyway? That we are safe, and we know in our heart this is the person we never want to spend a second away from.

Why is it our hearts and minds can change so quickly, and we get stuck in a rut? Does the magic always fade and leave us with a jaded outlook on love?

Eh, maybe it's just me and my "do or die" "run with it" personality. I suppose it's possible if I didn't think like that, I would have never felt so high as I did with those I've loved and still be sitting here wondering if true love will ever find me.

*sigh*

~Kara

Future Leaders of the World - New Rock Band

2004-07-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

I can't get this band out of my head or their debut song, "Let Me Out". So much passion behind it, and so well written. I am very anxiously awaiting the release (or a release DATE for that matter!!) of their debut CD. I'm very positive it will be just as powerful as the first song, if not MORE. The only information I see on the official website is that it will be released "Fall 2004". UGGGGGHHHHHH! I just hope they give us another song or two to hear on the radio before then, so the radio stations don't over play the song due to all the requests and burn us out on it before the record even hits the stores. Seems like that came VERY close to happening with Seether's re-release of Disclaimer when the radio station started playing "Broken" featuring Amy Lee every other hour. Luckily they backed off at the last minute so that CD is still at the top of my wish list.

~Kara

New Rock

2004-07-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

I couldn't hold back anymore. I had to jump into the music world and build a website I was truely passionate about. Well hopefully this one page will hold off the cravings for a full site just until I have a little more time to devote to one. The list is of course no where near complete, and I'm waiting on Amazon to start selling the new Saliva CD and the debut CD of Future Leaders of the World (If you haven't heard their debut song, "Let me Out", I suggest you immediately drop what you are doing and demand your local rock radio station play it - it's just creepy how much the lead singer sounds like Kurt Cobaine).

Anyway, here's the site, enjoy: http://www.spiritualexpression.com/new-rock.html

~Kara

Alter Bridge - Remaining band memebers of Creed

2004-06-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

Creed fans have probably already heard the news that the band is no more. However, the band members minus lead singer Scott Stapp (Mark Tremonti, Brian Marshall, and Scott Phillips) have created a new band along with lead singer Myles Kennedy to create Alter Bridge. I'll always love the first Creed CD (My Own Prison), but Human Clay and Weathered weren't nearly as good.

Of course we've only heard one song so far by Alter Bridge (Open Your Eyes, which can be heard at
VH1.com), but I believe they have the makings of an even better band than Creed. In my opinion the band was always the greatest part of Creed, even though Scott Stapp's voice was alright. However I've immediately fallen in love with Myles Kennedy's voice - just what the Creed band members needed. The only thing I didn't like about this first song of theirs is the intro. It's alright, but something a little "plain" or "ordinary"........something I can't quite put my finger on. The rest of the song the band rocks though.

Look for the new CD, One Day Remains, to be in stores August 10th.

~Kara

Dream or reality it's all the same

2004-06-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the need to create a more interesting life causes dreams and fantisy to seem so very real. So real that it feels like all sanity is about to be lost. Is it good to live in a dream or fantisy? Really isn't the goal in life to be happy? Maybe it's a different goal for everyone I don't know. I realise that most have the goal of making a lot of money, but for what? Does money really equal happiness? Maybe I suppose, it deffinately can. I know when I was so desparate for money it made every moment of my life hell ....not knowing when or how I was going to pay my bills. Now that I'm fine, I'm still not completely happy though. Something is missing, and that something is love. So maybe the goal in life is to have a complete life - money, love, and health. Well and of course I suppose some other things but they seem to fall in the money catagory.

To fill the void of love, I wonder if it's ok to live in a fantisy world. One of hope, pretending. Do we set ourselves up to fall when we do that? Or is it a way to cope?

My head is starting to hurt, way too much thinking.

Nickelback concert - I'm GOING!

2004-06-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well this had me dancing around all day yesterday - I got my tickets for the Nickelback/Puddle of Mudd concert in August. 5th row no less! How cool! Forgive me if I'm a bit over excited and shouting out my rather uninteresting news, but I'm almost 23 yrs old and have never been to a real concert, aside from the local blue's festival every year. So yeah, this is a HUGE deal for me. Now it's just a matter of finding someone to go with me, although I doubt that will be a problem. My ex I'm sure will be jumping at the chance to leech off of me, but I'm crossing my fingers I can find someone a little more worthy and desirable to go with. And hey if they pay me for the ticket even better, but I'm more interested in a designated driver. ;)

Kind of weird to be thinking about that concert right now while listening to Lisa Lobe. Hadn't heard this CD in quite some time, and always liked it for the poetic value. Tune isn't bad either, but the words I've always admired most. I've heard what I wanted to hear, time to listen to something else.

The thought crossed my mind today that I feel a little silly writting my thoughts down for the world to see like this. I have a tendency of going back months or years later and reading things I've wrote, then saying "YUCK! Was that stupid or what?". So this blog is really a odd thing for me, and I must say I do feel a little weird.

Enough rambling for now, I'm off to cook supper and play DA for awhile.

~Kara

No room for freeloaders and abusive people

2004-06-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

My ex made a suprise appearance the other night, claiming he was there to see his daughter but obviously had other intentions. There was obviously a reason he was telling me his girlfriend and him had broke up, and that he had moved out of her house. I've always felt sorry for him for some reason, even though I know he could care less about my feelings or situation. This is his world, and we should pitty him only - or so he thinks. I can't allow myself to worm his way in here, even though the loneliness is eating away at me. Hopefully having my sights on someone else will fight the urge to let him back in here, because I know that letting him back into my life would only cause me more pain and suffering. I'm just so torn. I know he's no good for me, and really has no good qualities either, it's just a fear of being alone that's got me even concidering him. I can't allow myself to let him take over me again, I just can't. There ARE good people out there, I got a taste of what was out there and can't let go of it.

Enough rambling and thinking.....back to business to get my mind off of all of this.

Why does love have to be so difficult?

2004-06-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

It seems that everytime I find something perfect, it either turn sour or so many obsticles get in the way that it becomes impossible to share a life. A very special person has entered my life (actually 2), but I fear that both are about to completely dissapear. Its apparent that a romantic relationship is not possible with either right now, and may never be possible, despite my longing for something real to hold on to. What is true love anyway?

It's all about music

2004-06-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

The website bug is started to taunt me again, and I'm feeling the urge to build something music related. Nothing small, no no, that's not me. Of course I would like to focus on the hard rock bands of today such as Stained, Trapt, Nickelback, Evenescence, etc. Now wouldn't that be interesting? What I would really love to do is find some way to offer a legal downloading site that you would only have to pay a monthly fee for unlimited downloads. I know I'm begging for something like that. Oh the possiblities, with such little time to work on them. If only I could snap my fingers and everything would be done. What a perfect world that would be.

Music music music.....that's all I've had on my mind today it seems. That and business. I like having my motivation to work back, but at the same time it seems like a huge burden because there's just too many ideas flying at me and my stress level is beginning to rise yet again. *sigh* To have the best of both worlds would be perfect.

Poetry Site

2004-06-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

What to do, what to do......my poetry website has been sitting on a back burner for far too long. I had an idea for it way back last fall, and actually created two websites for it (one was to be mainly just a community, and the other site filled with other interests of mine that I felt somewhat related to poetry yet different enough that it deserved it's own site). I had it mostly completed when Christmas was nearing and another website of mine needed attention. After a successful Christmas season I realised how far I could take the other website and ran with it. When things finally died down and I couldn't build another page, I took a look at my poor poetry website and sighed. No motiviation, no energy, no ideas. It was like all the creativity had been sucked from my brain. All I could do was sit and play Dark Ages (an online game).

Well FINALLY I've been hit with the idea bug, and started on another business project. Of course, NOW I'm being hit by one idea after another and want so desparately to get started on changes to that little poetry site. I pop in every once in awhile to see what's going on, and watch the member count grow (thank you Google for the good search engine rankings!). Now it's just a matter of WHAT and WHEN to work on.....(please allow me to begin thinking out loud here). I believe the first thing I'm going to add is a poetry contest section, devoted to listing legitimate poetry contests with decent prizes. (Not the general "Congratulations! Your poem has been selected to be in our book - here buy it")

What to do after the contest section? Well, I was thinking of having a publishing section too that has information on how to get published or even go so far as to publish a full book. I know that is one of my personal dreams to have at least one book published on something I hold dear to my heart (the business crap is really starting to get to me).

That's my ramblings for the day. I hope to find time to actually get to work on those sections. I just hate to see that site just sitting there when it could be so much more.....

~Kara

Music, love, poetry, and money...whatelse is there?

2004-06-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well this is the start of my personal blog, nothing special really, just my own personal ramblings and thoughts on personal issues. I'll share some thoughts on my favorite rock groups and hey maybe even pull out some good poems from my poetry community ( Spiritual Expression ).

Music is my life and sums up my interests though. I like to write and read poetry, but only in the right mood. Music I can't go a single day - hell sometimes HOUR - without. Speaking of which, I'm off to find some new CDs to add to my growing collection.